Ryoko's Bad Day
by Alfonso Ling
Summary: Every Haruhi Suzumiya series fan knows that Kyon survives the psychotic Ryoko Asakura's murder attempt in classroom 1-5. Here's a quick coffee break crack fic portraying an alternate version of that event.


**Author's Notes: I had a few hours to kill and my laptop handy so I tried to write a quick funny oneshot. (I guess some folks would call it a crack fic.) Ryoko Asakura was on my mind because she's in the midst of doing some very bad things in my Antivirus of Yuki Nagato story. That may have inspired me to pen this tale, where her day does not go well at all. - Al  
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><p><strong>"Ryoko's Bad Day"<br>**

by Alfonso Ling

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><p>When I checked my shoebox in the morning I was surprised to find a note. It read, "Meet me in classroom 1-5 after everyone has left." I didn't recognize the handwriting but it looked like a girl's script.<p>

When I got to home room, I planted my butt down in my chair, sitting directly in front of Haruhi Suzumiya. "Hey Haruhi," I said as I turned. "Did you leave this in my shoebox?" I handed her the note.

"Nope, that's not my handwriting." She studied the note a little more closely. "Though it does look very familiar." Haruhi looked up at the blackboard. Class President Ryoko Asakura was listing our school's Coming Events in white chalk symbols. Haruhi pointed at the board. "There's your author."

"But why would Miss Asakura want to meet me after class? She could walk up to me right now."

Haruhi shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, killer. Maybe she wants to confess to you and prefers to do that in private."

"What? A girl like Ryoko Asakura wants to confess to _me_? Doesn't she know you and I have a thing going?"

"No, Kyon, we don't have a thing going!" Haruhi sighed. "Though I am a little upset that she'd make a move on you."

"Why? Are you actually jealous?"

Haruhi glared. "No! Of course not! But I am aware that _everybody thinks_ we've got something going on. So it's a little offensive just the same that she would try to horn in on my turf."

"But there is no turf!"

Haruhi growled, "Idiot."

I shook my head and laughed. "I can blow her off if you want me to." I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows. "But then you're going to have to make our _thing_ official."

"Let's not jump the gun here. I think you should meet her. She may want to see you for a totally different reason. Maybe she wants you to try out for the school play or something."

"Look Suzumiya!" Haruhi frowned when I called her by her formal name. "Ryoko Asakura is a very hot girl. If she confesses to me, I don't think I'll be able to withstand her."

"_Withstand_ her? What do you mean by that?"

I nodded to the front of the classroom. "Look at her figure… those legs… the beautiful long hair… that perfect smile! If Ryoko turns up the heat, I don't think I'll be able to withstand her considerable power. What guy could?"

Haruhi started growling again. She looked out the window with drooping shoulders and a befuddled look on her face.

I touched her arm. "Hey Haruhi, don't be like that."

"My heat is just as hot as hers."

"Sure it is. But Ryoko's giving it up and you're… well…" I didn't have the heart to finish the sentence.

Haruhi turned from the window and looked me in the eye. "What will it take to make you Ryoko-proof?"

"Huh?"

"What can I do so you'll be tough enough to withstand anything Ryoko throws at you?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I suppose a kiss would do it."

"Okay, lean toward me like you want to tell me something important."

I leaned forward over Haruhi's desk, my lips puckered in preparation for what was to come. Haruhi looked at my lips, then shook her head with the cutest smile.

"Hang on," she said.

Haruhi turned and grabbed the cardigan hanging off the back of her chair. She lifted it with both hands and quickly held it up as a shield, hiding our heads from the rest of the classroom. Then she darted forward with puckered lips and softly tapped her mouth against mine. Just as quickly, she turned and put the cardigan back over the chair.

Though the entire process took less than a second, the kiss struck me like a bolt of lightning. I was dumbfounded, my eyes wide with surprise as an electric charge surged through my body. Then it slowly receded.

What in the world? When I came back to my senses I noticed Haruhi was looking around, scanning the classroom, verifying that nobody saw our smooch.

"Will that give you enough power to withstand Ryoko's assault?" Haruhi asked sweetly.

"Does that mean you and I are…?"

"Don't rush me, you idiot!" Haruhi snapped, her cheeks bright red.

That was the moment I remembered that it's not always wise to point out the obvious to a girl you _might_ be dating.

I smiled and nodded my head. "Yes. I am certain I'll be able to fend off anything Ryoko Asakura throws at me now." I glanced up at the front of the room where Miss Asakura was still writing on the board. "She sure has nice legs, though."

Haruhi punched me in the arm.

I spent the rest of the day in a great mood. Haruhi and I were finally a semi-maybe-probably-official couple! I did notice Miss Asakura glancing at me more frequently than normal, and I was very flattered that a girl as hot as Ryoko was interested in me. But I knew in my heart that Haruhi's kiss had made me fully Ryoko-proof. There was no way I'd stray!

So it was with a semi-heavy heart that I walked into the 1-5 classroom after classes ended. When would a guy like me ever get the chance to date a girl like Ryoko Asakura?

"Hi Kyon!" our class president said when I walked into the darkened room; the lights were off and Ryoko was standing by the blackboard.

"Hi Miss Asakura," I replied. "I got your note. Did you want to see me?"

"Yes I did, Kyon."

I was tempted to tell her that Haruhi and I were officially an item already, but I really wanted to hear Ryoko's confession first.

"What's on your mind?" I asked the beauty.

"Have you ever heard the saying, 'It's better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission'?"

"Sure, I've heard that."

"Do you believe it?" she asked.

"To be honest, I'm not sure I agree with it in all cases. Sometimes it's better to ask for permission or you might get into really big trouble."

"But most of the time, it's a valid saying, right?"

I wondered what Ryoko was getting at here. What did she want to do, but not ask permission for? Then it hit me. She wanted to kiss me! After all, asking me permission to do that would be pretty awkward.

"It depends on the situation," I finally replied. "But most of the time I think it's a good idea to just go for it. Especially if you've thought it out. Forgiveness might not even be an issue if you handle things right."

Ryoko's face lit up with a bright smile. "Well then it's decided! I'm glad you feel that way, Kyon. I was a little worried about my plan at first. But now I know I should go for it!"

"What's decided?" I asked with a knowing smile. "What are you going to _go for_?"

"I'm going to kill you!"

"You're going to kiss me?" I repeated back. "Without my permission?" I puckered my lips in anticipation.

"No silly. Not kiss. I said _kill_. Spelled K, I, double L. Like... to make something dead."

"WHAT?" I didn't believe what I had just heard. I turned my ear to her. "Could you please repeat that one more time?"

"Sure. I'm going to K, I, L, L, KILL you! So I can watch Miss Suzumiya's reaction!" Ryoko started walking toward me. "The event will unleash torrents of data! Things won't be boring anymore!"

"Sorry, Miss Asakura …" I turned toward the door. "… but I really need to go now." I reached for the knob, but to my chagrin the wall had changed into an impassable force field!

"I'm in control of this data space." A long shiny hunting knife materialized in Ryoko's hand. "And this is where you're going to die!" She lunged at me, directing the blade at my heart.

But I sidestepped it, though she did manage to cut off my tie.

"Hey, that's not funny!" I shouted. "Playing with knives is dangerous!"

"Oh. You think this is a joke?" Ryoko lunged at me again, but I sidestepped her again.

"Stop trying to stab me, you psycho!" I shouted. "If you keep this up you're not getting that kiss!"

"Quit moving around so much!" she shouted back. "Hang on." Ryoko stopped and waved her hand. I felt a force field surrounding me, holding me still. "I should have done this from the start." Ryoko stepped up and faced me, her hand holding the blade menacingly at her side. "Any final words before you die?"

"Yes. Six of them."

Ryoko put her free hand on her hip. "Well, go on. I don't have all day."

"There's a fly on your nose."

"What?" Ryoko crossed her eyes as she looked down at her nose.

"Here, I'll get it." I cocked back my fist and slammed it into Ryoko's face with all my might. WHACK! Ryoko's head snapped back and her body flew backwards into the far wall. Her knife bounced away next to her.

Ryoko sat up, her eyes rolling as if she were watching tiny birds orbiting her head. I walked over to the stunned psycho now rubbing her off-center nose. She looked at me with wide disbelieving eyes as I approached. "How could you do that? I used my power to put a force field around you."

I knelt down, grabbed Ryoko's blouse with my left hand and pulled her to her feet. I was tempted to tell her that my girlfriend had fortuitously prepared me for her "power". But I was really pissed, so instead I said, "Shut up, bitch!"

Ryoko turned her palm toward the knife. The blade flew toward her outstretched hand like a nail toward a magnet. She pulled the knife back and prepared it for another stab at my belly.

"Hold on," I said. "I see another fly." My fist connected with Ryoko's face again. She bounced off the wall, then fell limp to the ground, her knife landing next to her.

Drawing on a power I had no idea I possessed, a super strength Haruhi Suzumiya had somehow given me, I picked the girl up and twisted her arm behind her back. I walked her to the force field wall, toward the former location of the door. As we got closer, I sped up to a run and slammed her body into the glowing barrier. WHAM! Ryoko crumpled in my hands.

"I don't want to be in this room with you anymore," I said. "If you don't make the door appear in three seconds, I'm going to create a new exit ..." I pressed her bloody cheek up against the force field. "... using your head. And I'm not going to ask for forgiveness afterwards."

"Stop! Stop!" Ryoko was wailing, her hand up and waving furiously. "I'll do it! I'll do it!"

Suddenly the door appeared and the classroom reverted to its normal state.

"Thanks." I lifted Ryoko up and threw her across the room like a sack of potatoes. The girl bounced off a few desks, knocking them over, before landing on the ground in a crumpled, disheveled mess.

I turned the knob and pulled the door open.

"Wait!" Ryoko gasped.

I turned toward the bleeding mess of a girl. "What?"

"Would you consider going out with me?" When Ryoko smiled I noticed her two front teeth were missing.

I cleared my throat, and wondered why kissing this girl seemed so appealing not so long ago. "Sorry. Can't. Haruhi and I are dating... sort of."

"Oh. Alright." Ryoko brushed a few hairs off of her face. "Let me know if that changes, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay." I stepped out into the hallway and closed the door.

The following day in home room, Haruhi was being very coy.

"Were you able to withstand Ryoko's onslaught?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "Yes, I was. Thanks to you I was able to handle everything she threw at me."

"You must have really upset her." Haruhi tilted her head toward the front of the room where a heavily bandaged Ryoko Asakura was leaning on a crutch, one arm up in a sling, a cast on her left leg, gauze wrapped around her head. She was still managing to write on the blackboard, though. "Our class president fell down the stairs last night. After you rejected her, Ryoko's tear-filled eyes probably blurred her vision and she tripped."

"Yes," I nodded. "No doubt that's exactly what happened." I turned toward my maybe-girlfriend. "So Haruhi... are we going out this weekend?"

"Let me think about it."

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><p><strong>AN: Don't feel too bad for Ryoko. She's a humanoid interface that can easily repair herself. She's just playing up her injuries to win pity points with Kyon, the new love of her life. "Oh Kyon, no one's ever handled me like that before!" _Swoon!_ Sure, it's dysfunctional and psychotic, but that's Ryoko for you! Thanks for reading, dear readers.**


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